Christine

Chicks

What's not to like, eh? Being a guy, I've obviously spent a great deal of time pondering the fairer sex, and over the years, I've come up with several dubious theories and observations. Thankfully, most of this information is no longer useful to me. I have reached the end of the rainbow and get to spend the rest of my life with a pot o' gold named Christine, but it would be a shame for all of this deep insight to be lost to the sands of time. So, here is yet another blessing from me to the world: stuff about girls.

NOTICE

Naughty language, sex talk, and insensitive observation are just around the corner. Parents, prospective employers, and feminists with more time than brains are urged to stop now. For those of you that choose to continue, don't shoot the messenger. If you have any friendly responses you'd like to send me, then have at it.

Christine thinks this page needs some balance or that she can be the voice of reason or something. Pffft! Anyway, when you're done reading, you can show her comments to see what she says in response.

"Hotness knows no bounds"

Milla Jovovich from Dazed and Confused

This important phrase was coined by one of my college roommates, Trent, and it continues to serve us to this day. The concept behind it is a response to the natural inclination that people have, ourselves included, to "write off" an entire group of chicks. The bounds referred to are usually racial, or cultural, but can really be any characteristic that doesn't actually preclude hotness (like weighing 500 lbs). The reality is that every group contains hot chicks, and any blanket statement like "I could never date a hippie" will probably be undermined within a month of when you made it, by you saying "Holy shit! I'd definitely date her".

For example, I generally don't think girls can be attractive with short hair. In fact, during a quick scan of any room, girls with short hair don't even get noticed. They cruise around safely "below RADAR". But every once in a while Halle Berry jumps out of my TV and says "Oh, yeah? Check this out".

Don't complicate your life by dreaming up lists of what you will and will not accept. You'd be surprised how much of it goes out the window when hotness is involved. Instead, listen to the wisdom of the Geto Boys who said, "I like bitches. All kind o' bitches."

Fake Tits

How many times have you been with a female friend or significant other, seen a girl with great boobs, and then heard your friend say, "Those things are so fake!"? It's always said with such a derogatory tone, as if fake boobs somehow don't count as much as real ones. Why? They look awesome either way, don't they?

Stacy Sanches eating an orange

I'll even take it a step further. Girls with a nice pair of fake tits deserve more praise than girls with real ones of similar quality. Think about it. A girl with fake boobs had to endure the pain, risks, and financial costs of surgery to get what she has. All a natural boobs girl had to do was be born and eat food. Whoopee frickin' doo! This would be like Paris Hilton, who was born with lots of money, dismissing the accomplishments of Bill Gates. "Yeah, he's loaded, but he had to earn all that money. What a loser."

So girls, the next time you see a chick with implants, instead of looking down your nose at her, buy her a drink or give her a high-five or something.
(and bless you if you read "or something" and took it to mean "make out with her")

Upper Arms: The Indicator

It is often said that you can predict a girl's eventual appearance by looking at her mother. This isn't completely unfounded, and I don't intend to dispute it, but I think there's a better way. For one thing, a girl's mom isn't always going to be around for you to examine. Wouldn't it be better if the girl herself could give you an indication of where things are headed? Well, you're in luck.

If you think about it, a girl's actual features aren't going to change that much and the whole "look at her mom" thing is really intended to predict one thing: weight gain. I think the best indicator of a girl's potential to "blow up" is her upper arms. Even if a girl is hot now, look at her arms. If they're somewhat large in proportion to the rest of her, then beware, for her hotness may be short-lived.

Fat Girls Are Hotter

Of course fat girls aren't hot, silly. I just wanted to get your attention. Having said that, this theory of mine may actually provide some comfort to the girls with big upper arms mentioned in the previous section.

Britney Spears on the cover of Elle

Within the domain of hot girls, there are those that are naturally skinny, and those that are naturally fat but are doing something to thwart nature. It is my belief that naturally fat hot girls like Jennifer Aniston and Lindsay Lohan, end up being ten times hotter than naturally skinny hot girls like Gwyneth Paltrow or Claire Danes. Maybe it's all the additional exercise required to stay in shape, or maybe it's that their propensity toward fatness gives them better curves. I don't know. I just know that Britney Spears would be a cow if she didn't do 1000 sit-ups a day, but because she does… damn.

While I may warn you to be mindful of the future when seeing a hot girl with big upper arms, I will also tell you that for the time being, she is probably a good deal hotter than her stick-arm friends. Should you risk eventual fatness for extreme hotness in the short-term? Only you can decide.

Body Image

I was watching The View a couple of years ago, and as they went to commercial, they displayed a statistic for a few seconds. It said something like this.

89% of women in North America have a negative body image.

This was obviously meant to be alarming and make us aware of a disturbing epidemic. Unfortunately, I was born with a compulsion to think for myself, so I looked at their statistic objectively. If 89% of N. American women have a negative body image, that means 11% have a positive body image. Well, wait a second. There's no way that 11% of Mexican, Canadian, and American women are hot. If your body isn't attractive, then why shouldn't you have a negative image of it? If you ask me, 89% is too low. I'm not saying that I want any of these women to have a negative body image, but you can't just make shit up whenever you find reality disagreeable.

I'd also like to point out that we're talking only about body image here, not self-esteem in general. I'm not suggesting that ugly girls are supposed to have low self-esteem. Self-esteem should not be based on appearance alone.

"You say it like it's a bad thing…"

It's pretty common for a girl to see another girl and call her "a tramp" or "trashy". It could be because the target girl has fake boobs, she's bisexual, she has a tattoo on her lower back, her clothes are tight and revealing, she's a porn star, rock star… whatever. You get the idea.

Whenever I hear those words pass a girl's lips, a flag goes up in my brain. There is one (and only one) reason that a girl refers to another girl as a tramp: She's jealous and frustrated. The jealousy comes from the realization that every guy in the room wants the alleged tramp more than herself. The frustration comes from the realization that she is either unable or unwilling to compete with that level of hotness.

My advice to girls is to know your limits and just walk away instead of resorting to one of the T words like a cornered animal. If you insist on using them though, keep it between you and your girlfriends. They'll probably high-five and "hell yeah" with you. Don't bother trying to get a guy to agree with you. The more time he has to spend listening to your pointless accusations, the less time he has to ogle the "tramp", which is annoying. If he agrees with you, then maybe she really is a tramp, but it's more likely that he's just telling you what you want to hear. Sorry.

For you chicks on the receiving end of these comments, just say "thanks" because, in a round-about way, you were just called hot.

Walking the Line: Mental Stability vs. Bedroom Ability

I've noticed that in general, the worse a girl's childhood was, the better she is in bed. If your girlfriend is willing and able to do ridiculously hot things, congratulations… but be ready to run for the hills at a moment's notice. The same thing that makes her so naughty may have unfortunately taught her to not like herself very much, which will lead her to subconsciously sabotage her relationships (or worse). As bedroom skills increase, reliability, emotional stability and trustworthiness decrease and obviously there's a certain line that you don't want to cross if you intend to have a good relationship. You don't want a girl that's totally lame in the sack, but then you don't want a girl that will stab you in the head either. Ideally, you're looking for an extremely rare girl that walks the line. A girl who possesses a livable amount of emotional stability and can contribute to high quality sexual experiences.

There is a spectrum of sexual characteristics a girl can possess, from lame to awesome to "no thanks". Some of these things are actual activities a girl might engage in, while others are merely indicative of a girl's attitude, which is every bit as important as what she's doing. Closely correlated to this spectrum is a girl's stability.

For instance, a girl who's willing to kiss, grope and eventually have intercourse — but no more — is very likely to be safe for a long term relationship. On the other hand, if that's all she's willing to do, why would you want to be with her long-term? It's just not enough to keep you interested.

Charisma Carpenter

Now, if you've got a girl that enjoys oral sex and masturbation, maybe has a tattoo or fake tits or better still, willing to take it in the butt on occasion or even willing to partake in strip clubs and porn, then you're in business. I'd say most American girls fall into this category. There's plenty of opportunity for enjoyment here and your chances are still pretty good that she's "relationship safe". Of course there are a million things that can undermine a relationship, and you can't base your chances on this alone, but at least you won't be starting out at a disadvantage.

Christina Aguilera

Moving down the line, if you've got a girl that actually works in strip clubs or porn, has several tattoos, wants it in the butt all the time, or has sex with other girls, then you're getting into a gray area. That line you don't want to cross is right around here somewhere, but it's tough to pin down. It's not entirely out of the question to have a good, stable relationship with a girl that has these attributes, but your chances are getting slim. Enjoy your time with her, but don't get comfortable. And keep in mind that if she doesn't work out, and you plan to seek a stable relationship later on, you'll probably have to take a step down in sexual quality to get it, so you might want to just walk away now before your expectations get out of whack and future enjoyment isn't a possibility… not that you will. I doubt that any guy would be able to walk away from pussy of this quality, even if he saw the crazy writing on the crazy wall, but hey, when you find out she's fucking all of your friends, is wanted in two states, and killed one of your pets, don't say I didn't warn you.

Otep

Finally, there are the unquestionably unstable chicks. If she's got a bazillion tattoos, encourages you to have sex with other girls, or is aroused by getting hurt or hurting you, don't even think about it. A girl with these characteristics is mentally beyond hope. She hates herself and she probably hates you, too. Honestly though, if you would enjoy being with such a girl, you're probably fucked up yourself and your relationships are going to fall apart no matter who you're with, so have at it. But please promise to kill yourself before you turn into Ted Bundy. While talking about these girls, I might have also mentioned some activities involving various bodily functions, but my response to that is "Just because you're naked doesn't mean what you're doing to/on each other is considered sex".

If you're bothered by this topic, a disclaimer is unlikely to calm you down and therefore, pointless. So, here it is.

POINTLESS DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying that it's cool when girl has a bad childhood. I wouldn't even go as far as to call awesome sex a silver lining, as if it somehow justifies what happened. I'm just relaying an observation and suggesting that we not waste some information that might be helpful. The more you know… [cue the jingle]

The Hot Ones Never Show

Let's say you're at school or at work and a bunch of people are planning to get together later. Or say you're at a party and a group of drunks decides that it's time for skinny dipping. In situations like this, there's usually a girl in the group that you've got your eye on and your decision to join the group in whatever they're planning is based entirely on your desire to spend more time with her. So, you join the group and commit to their plan, only to discover… the hot girl isn't coming.

It never fails. The one person you wanted to see will always have something better to do. It's not just that she gets more offers because she's hot. It could be that her mom is sick, or she just happens to be going out of town that night, or she was planning to go and sprained her ankle on the way. There doesn't seem to be any one common cause that you can point to. It's as if the Universe was designed to keep hot girls from attending the same events as you*.

As further proof, I've seen this from the other side. In her last job, it was pretty common for Christine's co-workers to go out for drinks after work and we would always have existing plans or there would be some other reason she didn't go. She would come home and tell me about it and I wasn't quite sure how to react at first. I would jokingly scold her and explain that most of those guys only wanted to go so they could hang out with her, and she had let them down. In the end though, I'd rather have her home with me than getting ogled by ugly sales weasels. I empathize with the guys, but tough titties. She's taken. Besides, they should have known by their desire for her presence that she wasn't going to be there.

* On a related note, if you can defy nature and overcome this phenomenon, your event is likely to be a huge success.

Wait Until 27

For reasons unknown to men, every girl flips the fuck out somewhere between the ages of 23 and 27. If you're in a relationship with a 22-year old, there's a rough road ahead and you may not make it through to the other side. From what I gather from various accounts of the phenomenon, this is a time for a girl to re-evaluate her life — and by "evaluate", she means change everything for no damn reason. Look on the bright side, though. Any girl that thinks it's necessary (or even possible) to "find herself" is probably a retard that you're better off without.

I want you to burn this into your brain. I don't care if you start dating a girl when she's 16 or when she's 26, don't even think about marrying her until she hits 27. You won't know what you're going to end up with until then.

Girls Like Dickheads

Colin Farrell

"Why is she with that guy? He's such an asshole and he treats her like crap. I would be so much better for her."

What guy hasn't had this thought? The human brain naturally seeks out patterns to explain the world. It's unavoidable. When seeing case after case after case of a hot girl with an asshole boyfriend, I've known many guys to conclude that girls just prefer jerks. I don't think it's quite that simple.

I think what we perceive as cause and effect — he's an asshole, therefore she likes him — are actually two different effects with the same cause. Guys usually only end up being jerks if they can get away with it. For example, if they're… oh, I don't know… really good looking. So it's more accurate to say that girls prefer good looking assholes. It turns out that it's looks that keep the girls coming back for more, not crappy treatment.

Now, there is one other factor here: confidence. We all know girls are attracted to confidence and since a guy usually passes through confidence country on his way to becoming a dick, it's not uncommon for him to retain this quality and lure chicks in like a bug zapper. This may even be enough to compensate for a lack of looks in some cases, but I don't know to what extent. I don't intend to strain myself trying to figure it out, either.

Porn Objectifies Women?

One of the criticisms of pornography is that it makes women into sex objects. That is to say, women who have nothing to do with the movies should be offended because of how women in the movies are portrayed. Huh? All I have to say to that is something every woman loves to hear: "Oh, calm down!"

There's no doubt that porn objectifies those women (the ones in the movies). You pay a few bucks and the only aspects of the porn stars you're exposed to are their sexual attitudes and abilities. Their only value to you is that of being a tool of sexual gratification. Fine, but does this mean that they're nothing more than sex objects? Do you think their friends and family see them this way? Does it mean that the women you have sex with in real life are viewed as having no other value to you? Maybe in rare cases, but certainly not in general and not for very long. What does a porn consumer's admittedly shallow relationship with a porn star have to do with the condition of women all over the globe?

These people must think women are being objectified all over the place. For example, if porn turns women into sex objects, then teaching must turn them into education objects. When you sit in class, you probably don't care about the teacher's dreams and aspirations. You don't want to spend time getting to know her better. You just want to sit there for an hour, get some of the knowledge in her head, then go home. You are essentially "using her and tossing her aside". Her only value to you is that of being a tool of education. Sound familiar? When you leave class, do you expect all women to be willing and able to teach you long division? Do you pull up a desk and listen intently to every woman you meet or ask them when they plan to test you? Of course not.

Next thing you know, they'll be claiming that GIRLS RULE because a female soccer team won something, even though they made losers out of 50 other female teams. (Nah, that's too far fetched.) I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you can't make claims about entire groups based on a few individuals. If you are being treated as a mere sex object, by all means, get pissed off about it. But don't sit around and point your finger at nonexistent epidemics based on what other women choose to do for a living.

Chicks Don't Forgive Each Other

Guys can get into such a big fight that they're screaming, throwing shit across the room, and even throwing each other across the room. It's a safe bet that within 72 hours, they will have shaken hands, apologized, and become even closer friends.

Girls are a different story. When they get mad at each other, that's it. No more friendship. And this doesn't even have to result from a major blow out. They might not even speak to each other about what's bothering them, they'll just bitch to their other friends behind each other's backs. Sup wit dat?

The Only Hot One

If you meet a group of girls that are generally ugly, except for one hot chick, or you meet a hot girl and later discover that all of her friends are ugly, stay away! If a girl is "the only hot one" in a group there is probably something non-physical wrong with her. Do you want to stick around and find out what it is? Didn't think so.

Content, design, and biggity-bad-ass back-end code by Rob McBroom

VI Improved Valid HTML 4.01! Valid CSS! [Valid RSS]