Whenever I meet new people, it's not long before the topic of my unusual diet comes up. The short description I always give is "like an 8-year-old that doesn't eat cheese". On the one hand, it's annoying to have to go through this over an over again and I joke about printing up a list to give to people to save me the trouble. On the other hand, I'm kinda shy when I'm sober, so it gives the new people and I something to talk about, so maybe I shouldn't complain. Anyway, since my web site should be about me, and the way I eat is one of my prominent features, here is a list (in no particular order) of what I do and don't eat and a few notes on the subject.

The Stuff I Eat

If something is not listed here, I do not and will not eat it. Seriously.

  • Almost any type of bread (wheat, white, bagels, croissants, bread sticks, croutons, etc.)
  • Almost any type of cracker
  • Doritos (Nacho only. Fuck Cool Ranch!)
  • Fritos
  • Pretzels
  • Potato Chips (most brands and flavors, though Pringles are the best)
  • Any type of potato except sweet potatoes (baked, mashed, french fries, etc.) but only with some combination of butter, oil, salt and ketchup
  • Doughnuts (glazed, chocolate glazed and chocolate frosted. Definitely nothing cream filled)
  • Chocolate cake or angels' food with either chocolate or white icing (no tricks)
  • Brownies (ordinary fudge brownies, though nuts can be tolerated)
  • Cookies (only chocolate chip, peanut butter, Oreos, ELFudge, Fudge Stripes, Nutter Butters, Nilla wafers)
  • Peanut butter
  • Grape jelly
  • Hamburgers (well done and with ketchup only)
  • Hot dogs (with ketchup only)
  • Bacon
  • Breakfast sausage (links and patties)
  • Pancakes (the ordinary kind. Nothing crazy like blueberries or buckwheat).
  • Waffles (again, nothing crazy)
  • Maple syrup
  • Most cereals without fruit (I do eat Rasin Bran)
  • Baked Beans
  • Corn (canned or on the cob)
  • Green beans (only if they are free of surprises)
  • Celery (uncooked)
  • Carrots (uncooked)
  • Broccoli (uncooked)
  • Pickles
  • Cantelope
  • Watermellon
  • Apples
  • Pears
  • Oranges
  • Grapefruit
  • Cherries
  • Cranberry Sauce
  • Milk (1% or higher)
  • Water (duh)
  • Orange Juice (no pulp)
  • Pineapple Juice
  • Cranberry Juice
  • Coke
  • Cherry Coke
  • Vanilla Coke
  • Mountain Dew
  • Lemonade
  • Iced Tea (sweet)
  • Gay "energy drinks" like KMX and Red Bull
  • Beer (except those "wheat" or "fruit" types)
  • Liquor (except tequila)

The stuff I will eat

There are a few things that I will eat, but never do. By "will eat", I mean I can put it in my mouth, chew it and swallow it without gagging (or "drink it" in the case of liquids).

Surprises

I don't like "surprises" in my food. Surprises are anything that you wouldn't expect to be in a particular food and that you didn't ask for, like cheese in hash browns, powdered sugar on pancakes, or bacon in green beans.

Surprises seem to be especially common in chocolate cake. I don't know of a single restaurant where you can order a piece of chocolate cake similar to what you would get at home if you used Betty Crocker cake mix and some chocolate icing. There always has to be something gay to ruin it like coconut flakes or nasty icing. I have a theory as to why this is. The manager of each restaurant believes that if they offer a traditional chocolate cake, people will be unimpressed. They have to do something to make their cake "special" because they don't want to be like everyone else (who, incidentally, are all thinking the exact same way). It apparently never occurred to them that chocolate cake is totally fuckin' sweet in it's boring common form. So, essentially, I am never able to enjoy a piece of chocolate cake in a restaurant because some pretentious manager or chef has to suck his own dick about how unique and creative he is. Thanks a lot!

Ordering Coke

To: The Waiters and Waitresses in My Life

When I order "a Coke" and your crappy restaurant doesn't have any Coke, do not bring me a Pepsi or some other form of piss and act like everything is alright. Inform me that you don't have any Coke and ask me what I would like instead. And for the managers of these restaurants, if you're going to carry Pepsi, at least stock some Mountain Dew so people will have something they can drink without barfing.

Well Done

Remember the snotty attitude that causes mangers or chefs at restaurants to carry fucked up mutants that they call "chocolate cake"? Well, a similar attitude leads some chefs or cooks to believe that they are not supposed to cook meat. When you ask for "well done", they will leave all kinds of red nastiness in the middle. Why? Because they know better than you do and to cook meat that much would ruin it. OK, fine you little French cry-baby - well done = ruined - but if I ask you to "ruin" my hamburger, then ruin the thing! I'm the one who has to eat it.

The Holy Triumvirate of Crackers

Wheat Thins, Triscuits and Ritz. These should always be in your house. While I'm on the subject, have you ever been to a grocery store that puts the Ritz on a different aisle than the Wheat Thins and Triscuits? What are they thinking? When I discover that a store has done this, I don't go back. For all I know, people that retarded could be storing meat on the floor of their bathrooms before they package it and put it out on the shelves.

Beverages

Maybe this isn't that unusual, but I've never heard anyone else mention it. There are some things I only drink with food and some things I only drink on their own, and there's no overlap. With every meal, I have either milk, Coke, or Mountain Dew, but I almost never drink milk, Coke or Mountain Dew on their own. On the other hand, I drink plenty of water, beer and other alcoholic drinks (and some juice), but almost never drink any of these things with food. I sometimes have beer with a meal because it's what I'm drinking when the food at a restaurant arrives, but I really don't enjoy it. And I don't understand the people that do.

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