Whenever I meet new people, it’s not long before the topic of my unusual diet comes up. The short description I always give is “like a 5-year-old that doesn’t eat cheese”. Anyway, since my web site should be about me, and the way I eat is one of my prominent features, here is a list (in no particular order) of what I do and don’t eat and a few notes on the subject.
The Stuff I Eat
If something is not listed here, I do not and will not eat it. Seriously.
The stuff I will eat
There are a few things that I will eat, but rarely do. By “will eat”, I mean I can put it in my mouth, chew it and swallow it without gagging.
- Butter cookies
- Rotisserie chicken (breast only, no skin)
I don’t like “surprises” in my food. Surprises are anything that you wouldn’t expect to be in a particular food and that you didn’t ask for, like cheese in hash browns, powdered sugar on pancakes, or bacon in green beans.
Surprises seem to be especially common in chocolate cake. I don’t know of a single restaurant where you can order a piece of chocolate cake similar to what you would get at home if you used Betty Crocker cake mix and some chocolate icing. There always has to be something gay to ruin it like coconut flakes or nasty icing. I have a theory as to why this is. The manager of each restaurant believes that if they offer a traditional chocolate cake, people will be unimpressed. They have to do something to make their cake “special” because they don’t want to be like everyone else (who, incidentally, are all thinking the exact same way). It apparently never occurred to them that chocolate cake is totally fuckin’ sweet in it’s boring common form. So, essentially, I am never able to enjoy a piece of chocolate cake in a restaurant because some pretentious manager or chef has to suck his own dick about how unique and creative he is. Thanks a lot!
To: The Waiters and Waitresses in My Life
When I order “a Coke” and your crappy restaurant doesn’t have any Coke, do not bring me a Pepsi or some other form of piss and act like everything is alright. Inform me that you don’t have any Coke and ask me what I would like instead. And for the managers of these restaurants, if you’re going to carry Pepsi, at least stock some Mountain Dew so people will have something they can drink without barfing.
Remember the snotty attitude that causes mangers or chefs at restaurants to carry fucked up mutants that they call “chocolate cake"? Well, a similar attitude leads some chefs or cooks to believe that they are not supposed to cook meat. When you ask for "well done", they will leave all kinds of red nastiness in the middle. Why? Because they know better than you do and to cook meat that much would ruin it. OK, fine you little French cry-baby - well done = ruined - but if I ask you to "ruin” my hamburger, then ruin the thing! I’m the one who has to eat it.
The Holy Triumvirate of Crackers
Wheat Thins, Triscuits and Ritz. These should always be in your house. While I’m on the subject, have you ever been to a grocery store that puts the Ritz on a different aisle than the Wheat Thins and Triscuits? What are they thinking? When I discover that a store has done this, I don’t go back. For all I know, people that retarded could be storing meat on the floor of their bathrooms before they package it and put it out on the shelves.
Maybe this isn’t that unusual, but I’ve never heard anyone else mention it. There are some things I only drink with food and some things I only drink on their own, and there’s no overlap. With every meal, I have either milk, Coke, or Mountain Dew, but I almost never drink milk, Coke or Mountain Dew on their own. On the other hand, I drink plenty of water, beer and other alcoholic drinks (and some juice), but almost never drink any of these things with food. I sometimes have beer with a meal because it’s what I’m drinking when the food at a restaurant arrives, but I really don’t enjoy it. And I don’t understand the people that do.